Scottish Words

Auld - Old.
Aye - Yes.
Bairn - Baby.
Blether - Talkative
Bonnie - Beautiful.
Bowfing - Smelly, horrible.
Braw - Good, or brilliant.
Crabbit - Bad tempered.
Dae - Do.
Dinnae - Don't.
Drookit - Soaking wet.
Dug - Dog.
Dunderheid - ldiot.
Dunt - Bump.
Frae - From.
Gaunnae - Going to.
Geggie - Shut your Mouth
Glaikit - Stupid,
Greet - Cry.
Haud - Hold.
Haver - Talk rubbish.
Hoachin' - Very busy.
Keek - A little look.
Ken - Know.
Merrit - Married.
Mockit - All mean dirty.
Naw - No.
Neep, Tumshie - Turnip.
Noo - Now.
Screwball - Unhinged, mad.
Scunnered - Bored, fed up.
Shoogle - Shake.
Skelp - Slap.
Skoosh - Lemonade.
Sleekit - Sly.
Stour - Dust.
Tattie - Potato.
Wean - Child.
Whit - What.
Windae - Window. Ye - You.
Yer - Your.
Yin - One.

Typical British Wit and Humour

Marine on Train

The train was quite crowded, so a U S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle...
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude.
My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired. She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour!
This American should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 
'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.

The Afghan Footballer

The Liverpool FC manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, the manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won.
Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day.
Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a great time.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'
'Sorry? Sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!

These questions were set in last year's UK GED examination.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds).

Q. Name the four seasons.

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large  pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists 

Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids? 

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q.. What happens to your body as you age?

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?

A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control? 

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman Emperor. 

Q. What is a terminal illness? 

A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning>
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Cockney Rhyming Slang

Apples & Pears = Stairs.
Arnold Palmer = Farmer
Austin Power = Shower
Babe Ruth = Truth
Bacon & Eggs = Legs
Bag for Life = Wife
Baked Bean = Queen
Baked potato = See you later
Bangers and mash = Trash
Barney Rubble = Trouble
Becks & Posh = Nosh (food)
Bee Hive = Drive
Bees Wax = Tax
Ben Dover = Hangover
Bended Knees = Cheese
Betty Grable = Table
Bird Bath = Laugh
Bonney Fair = Hair
Bottle of Pop = Shop
Bottle of Rum = Bum
Brady Bunch = Lunch
Brighton Pier = Queer (Gay)
Bucket & Pail = Jail
Bunny Ears = Tears
Calvin Klein = Wine
Candle Wick = Dick
Cape of Good Hope = Soap
Captain Kirk = Work
Car & Scooter = Computer
Cat & Mouse = House
Cherry Pie = Lie
Chevy Chase = Face
Corn on the Cob = Job
Crown Jewels = Tools
Diamond Rocks = Socks
Dickory Dock = Clock
Dinner Plate = Mate
Egg Yoke = Joke
Elephant's Trunk = drunk
False Start = Fart
Father Ted = Dead
Filter Tips = Lips
Fish & Chips = Hips
Fred Astaire = Hair
Friar Tuck = luck
Goose's Neck = Cheque
Hairy Bum = Mum
Ham & Eggs = Legs
Hansel & Gretel = Kettle
Holy Ghost = Toast
Holy Grail = Email
Ice Rink = drink
Irish Jig = Wig
Jam Tart = Heart
Laugh & a Joke = Smoke
Left Jab = Cab
Martial Arts = Darts
Mince Pies = Eyes
On the Floor = Poor
Pen & Ink = Stink
Pork Pies = Lies
Queen Mum = Bum
Rolls Royce = Choice
Rub-A- Dub = pub
Rusty Nail = Jail
Sausage & Mash = Cash
Sausage Roll = Goal
Typewriter = Fighter
Yogi Bear = Hair

Hope you enjoyed just a few of the thousands of Cockney rhyming slang.